Right, first things first: I’ve never, ever seen anyone scratch remotely like Q-Bert does.  That’s probably because, well, no-one else can scratch like Q-Bert does.  It’s a rare privilege to get the chance to see someone so clearly at the forefront of his profession.  So your correspondent jumped at the opportunity to see the great man demonstrating his latest invention, the QFO (a kinda hybrid turntable-mixer combination thingamajig) at the Prince of Wales tonight.

In terms of technical mastery, tonight’s show didn’t disappoint.  The variety of sounds that Q-Bert can extract from a turntable is remarkable, and he wowed the punters with a jaw-dropping display of turntable percussion, tweets and an array of laser-sharp scratches, all performed flawlessly at high speed.  One wonders just how long you have to spend just scratching and scratching and scratching to get anywhere near having the skills that this fiend showed off tonight – it’s a frightening thought…

Still, the fundamental question that has to be asked of any show is not whether the artist was good at what they do, but whether what they do is entertaining – or at least, whether it engages the audience’s emotions in some way.  After all, surely that’s the raison d’etre of music – to elicit some sort of emotion, some sort of visceral reaction from those to whom it’s performed.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  It’s like going to see someone like Steve Vai or Yngwie Malmsteen play endless guitar solos – no-one doubts that they’re incredibly accomplished musicians, but it’s about as much fun as watching a dog take a crap.  It’s music for chin-stroking rather than feeling, and it leaves this reviewer, at least, thoroughly cold.

So anyway, in this respect, tonight’s show was inconclusive.  The crowd certainly loved Q-Bert, and for the first twenty minutes or so, the place was pumping.  Still, as impressive as Q-Bert’s artistry is, it does tend to become monotonous.  After all, even if you’re the world’s pre-eminent scratch DJ, there’s only so much you can do with one turntable.  It’s worth noting at this point what this show didn’t encompass – no mixing (Q-Bert doesn’t even wear headphones, for god’s sake), nothing but Q-Bert scratching over backing tracks being played by one of the seemingly endless stream of sycophants on stage.  Another of this posse dedicated himself to “bigging up” Q-Bert to the crowd at every opportunity, which was at best unnecessary and at worst thoroughly tedious – we know how good Q-Bert is, that’s why we came tonight.  We don’t need to be told over and over…

Perhaps the highlight of the show came when Melbourne’s JRed, who turned in a thoroughly impressive and enjoyable support set earlier in the evening, joined Q-Bert on the stage for a jam.  The result was a thrilling scratch extravaganza, with JRed clearly relishing the opportunity to compare his skills with the best.  He certainly didn’t lose much in comparison with Q-Bert, and the combination seemed to bring out the best in both of them.  It felt spontaneous and entertaining, rather than being a clinical demonstration of skill and technique, and it was perfectly timed, JRed retaking the stage just as this reviewer’s attention, at least, was beginning to wander.

For the rest of the show, Q-Bert scratched and scratched and scratched some more.  And fair enough, that’s what we all came for, that’s what we got – and for the most part, it was good fun.  The majority of the punters certainly seemed to be left happy and satisfied by the whole affair, and plenty of people stayed around to enjoy the rest of the evening after the main attraction had left the stage.   Q-Bert, when he deigned to take up the microphone towards the end of his set, lauded the Melbourne crowd as the best he’s played to in Australia.  Ah, now you’re just flattering us, Mr Q…

So, quibbles aside, this was a good night for all concerned.  A little more variety would have been nice, but it’s not every night you get to see the greatest scratch DJ in the world strut his stuff, so one doesn’t want to be too churlish about it all…