Funkoars: Putting the funk back in the underground

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‘Keeping it dirtier than pub gutters and funkier than a fat mans armpits’ are the Funkoars, self proclaimed alcoholic perverts and purveyors of all things drunk and funky. ITM caught up with them late last year on the eve of releasing their debut album ‘Who’s Your Stepdaddy’, back then they were merely ‘Two fat kids and two pasty men getting seedy on stage and making passes at your women’. Now the women flock to their sides and their album lightens the hearts of teenage wannabe rappers Australia wide. Meet Trials, Sesta, Hons & Reflux, by far the smuttiest artists in the game.

Your crew started off with 12 or so but you ended up with four, what makes you all so special?

TRIALS: Well that was pretty much the first crew we were all involved in that was made up of our close friends. They grew up, found girlfriends and sold their souls for ugly babies. I thought becoming unemployed binge drinkers was much more productive to society so we had to shake it down to four of the filthiest.

What made you decide to start releasing your work?

SESTA: You can do only so many demos and half finished ep’s on tape that get passed around Adelaide. We heard what was currently being released at a national level and thought fuck, may as well give it a shot hey, so 3 years 2 failed albums 25 ex friends and 2 acquitted court cases later, we came up with Who’s your step daddy?

Groupies are always a hot topic in the scene, what’s your take on young pretty women offering you alcohol and sexual favours in exchange for fame?

TRIALS: I’m in peak physical condition right now so picking up the pretty women is like shooting children in a school bus so I’m all for it. To the Ladies that are interested in spending a night with me I suggest they prepare themselves with a bottle of something cheap, a skimpy outfit and their first aid kits. They will be more famous than John Caliato.

SESTA: Who the fuck is that?

What could the Prospective Melbourne Groupie contingent do to secure a night with the oars?

SESTA: Bottom line is, Money talks, and with fat being the new black our bodies are in high demand as you could well imagine. Hons has hooked up a deal where we can now accept all major forms of credit cards, cheques and shit, but cash is preferable. You can find us by the bar, the unattractive guys that look like they have some kind of problem with the world and smell a little like last Tuesday. On the real just tell us how great we are and we can take it from there.

Do any of you have any unique diseases or growths that inspire you to rap? Are you on any medication for your ADHD?

TRIALS: No medication yet but my mate Beats can get Viagra so I think I’ll give it a shot at some stage. Having sex with beautiful models and making so much money is stressful you know, sometimes I need a little kick in my step to move the scum from my stride.

What’s the most annoying thing about doing interviews?

SESTA: When you get asked those same stupid questions, who’s your favourite mc, who’s your favourite producer, who’s raising the bar for Australian hip hop. The answer is I don’t know I don’t care I am my favourite everything. let’s all just get over it ok.

What’s your take on chicks that rap? Have you ever heard a chick rapper that has impressed you?

TRIALS: Laaaaaaaaaaaaaayla! She’s by far my favourite on the mic and to get drunk with, we’re heading back to Melburn in December sometime to rock a show with her and a few other fiends. Trey is also great, my ABC skills would be nowhere without her! On a side note you know what fucken wack is really, females taking shits, that image is stained in my mind forever. Even if they are dainty shits, it’s horrific.

Your album is littered with pornographic references, who are some of your favourites and why?

TRIALS: I like a lot of bizarre shit, Ashley Blue, Brittany Blue, Jenna Haze, Gauge, and Jenna Fine. I like a lot of that kinda shit, Vince Voyeur films are pretty Unfuckwithable for quality. He runs this company called Red Light District that is responsible for such titles as ‘7 the hard way’ and ‘Euro Cum 6’, heaps of spitting, choke shit, gag sex, really great stuff.

Define Kidney Shifting.

TRIALS: Well it’s a very nasty but wonderful sex position practiced by myself and the gang over at bangbus.com. Its kinda like folding a girl up on the floor and coming down on them from a position that is surely only pleasurable for me, I really don’t think the women enjoy it, hahaha. I love it.

Who is Vents Allah and what purpose does he serve?

SESTA: Vents is out street mentor and spiritual advisor we go back like 10 maybe 5 years, he’s honestly one of the illest mc’s in the country in my opinion. Trials and I are currently working with him to get out some of his own shit, He’s also on a 12” vinyl Trials is droppin in the near future keep an ear out for that shit.

If you were a superhero what would you be?

TRIALS: I’d probably be Trials. Rumour has it he’s built like 7 short circuits with the sexual frustration of a tafe student. Jesus Christ he’s dreamy.

When is the dance remix album for Who’s Your Stepdaddy being released?

SESTA: How did you find out about this? I’m working with a good friend of mine from Sweden by the name of “Cut-Master-Wrist” on this. I mean I love this hip hop shit but fuck need to be where the money is at. The album isn’t currently finished but the dance version of Kidney shifters is completed and let me tell you when this drops… hooweee the vodka cruisers will be flowing the glow sticks will be waving the Nick Lachey look-a-likes fists will be pumping, I’m really excited for this one.

What’s your take on Politics in music?

TRIALS: Personally, I can’t be fucked with it. I’m sure there are people listening to that kinda shit and they probably have some divine cause for recording it so more power to them. I listen to a lot of 90s gangster shit that has heavy political messages but that’s because my friends think I’m cooler for it. I just stick to making love songs with a twist of spite.

So Hoods went Gold and Koolism got an ARIA, what’s your take on this? Where is our scene headed? Positive or Negative direction?

SESTA: Nothing but positive, if your getting recognised for the shit you are doing at a level like that, that’s nothing but positive but you are going to get your bunch of heads that will do nothing but want to cut down anyone who is actually achieving anything but fuck them. I’m really fucking happy for what the hoods have achieved this year nobody deserves it more than they do and its real fuckin dope Koolism took out that shit. It was good to see it was taken out by some actual Australian hip hop. Its very satisfying seeing cunts that keep their shit real to their own specific style achieve shit at such a high level.

What can we expect from you guys at Underground Sound?

TRIALS: A lot of spilt beer, a few injuries and some good old fashioned hip-hop shit. What you can’t expect is a tight set with no fuck ups and sobriety, which is much more unlikely than Hons exposing himself again.

Funkoars Merchandise?

SESTA: Fuck yeah, that shit is way overdue, but we hope to eventually release enough shitty quality t shirts and gimmicky merchandise shit for the kiddies to buy up so we can live off it and quit this whole music shit, because honestly I’m getting a little sick and tired of it all, aren’t you?

Add anything you’d like to add?

TRIALS: Sometimes I wonder why I’m great and then I wake up interstate wearing a robe surrounded by empty bottles and women with loose morals and I’m soon reminded. Peace to your fucken mother in law and the certified wise crew! Chanel Cole, marry a soul brother. People I owe money, its coming, people I owe product, its coming, people I owe child support, burn in purgatory. http://www.funkoars.com – where the scumbags live and the innocent are corrupted.

SESTA: I have nothing to add, Ill just go ahead and give a general apology In advance for what ever may happen.

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