To hold onto past love or not? [Archive]

ADz_M

12-Feb-03, 12:19pm

A female friend of mine has recently come to me upset that her boyfriend has held onto some stuff from past relationships. (ie. love letters, ICQ messages, etc... nothing kinky like undies).

He is now in a new relationship with my female friend.

His answer to why he was holding onto them was that he may one day want to remininse...

She was really upset and paranoid that her fella would want to do this.

So i ask the wise ITM-massive... -> "Do you think its fair to hold onto memories from the past or should one not keep things to respect their new relationship."

bella boo

12-Feb-03, 12:26pm

I don't think it's fair. If they are starting a new serious relationship, then it's a start of a new life together. Capiche?

My answer - I find it strange that one day he might want to reminise on previous relationships. If you find someone special and someone you love, previous relationships are all in the past and stay right there - in the past. I don't think it's right or fair to hold onto old "stuff" unless you still have feelings.

Iain

12-Feb-03, 12:27pm

I think its fine to keep things,
its your past you should never forget it.
but constantly remininsing over it could be a worry.

I'm sure all of us have stuff form past relationships tucked away somewhere.

bella boo

12-Feb-03, 12:29pm

Iain is right to a degree. However I see this from my point of view where I almost got married and all "things" from previous relationships were left behind and forgotten about ready to continue my new life with my ex-fiance. I suppose that's a little different! :p

Funksta

12-Feb-03, 12:33pm

I think it is ok to hold on to memories from the past... i mean why shoud someone have to throw out things like letters to an ex because their new partner has insecurities??

I know i have a drawer of old photo's, letters and junk at home that i can not bring myslef to throw out even though i don't have feelings for the girl(s) involved anymore.

corporateboy

12-Feb-03, 12:43pm

I have pretty much every birthday card anyone has ever given me from family / gf's etc ... im an archiver of special stuff, and I love cleaning room time because I always get bogged down tidying up my big *memories* box. The other day I dropped a little locked box i had forgotten contained old love letters from my first love. They were quite naughty but were a nice reminder as I had totally forgotten about them.

Burning the past completely is counter productive and not healthy, if you can't be friends with someone after you go out with them what is the point of being with them now I say, and its that principle which backs my "hang on to old stuff for memories sake" position.

If the other person is jealous, I could see problems like if you had a necklace from an ex you always wore *everywhere*, but not if it is in moderation, but both people in a relationship need to give a little, so I'm sure in a healthy relationship it shouldn't be a problem.

Iain

12-Feb-03, 12:48pm

Originally posted by corporateboy
Burning the past completely is counter productive and not healthy

so true.
I think it can show a lack of ability to move on mentaly from the situation.

sofu

12-Feb-03, 01:04pm

I like to go back a few months and read my old ITM posts, and their subsequent replies.

djenerate

12-Feb-03, 01:07pm

She should just get over it, as other
people have said, why should u erase
your past. Respect has something to do
with trust don't it?

Iain

12-Feb-03, 01:13pm

Originally posted by sofu
I like to go back a few months and read my old ITM posts, and their subsequent replies. sofu click here (http://www.inthemix.com.au/forum/search.php?s=&action=showresults&searchid=44789)

snoochie

12-Feb-03, 01:16pm

"Do you think its fair to hold onto memories from the past or should one not keep things to respect their new relationship."

It's like old cds. Even if you never listen to them again, you can't bear the thought of throwing them out.

I have all my old sappy emails my ex used to send to me... in fact I have pretty much every email, letter, message that most people have sent me - not really for any particular reason, I just never saw the point in deleting them.

It's part of your life (yours!). It doesn't meant you're thinking about it all the time.

What about pictures he may still have of his older flames? You wouldn't expect him to burn them surely?

My ex still had a picture of one of his ealier loves. I just made sure he put it in a box at the bottom of a million other boxes in our wardrobe :p

I certianly didn't expect him to get rid of it.

It was his past. He was who he was because of his past and I loved him for who he was at the present.

calis

12-Feb-03, 01:23pm

i think i've managed to keep a fair quantity of stuff from previous relationships. valentines day cards, letters, or little trinkets that have special memories.

however i have a habit of leaving them in another state in a box with a parent. that way i don't stumble across them accidentally and start reminescing and being distracted in any form from a current relationship i'm in, or having any 'comparison' thoughts which are so easily to have.

Tristan

12-Feb-03, 01:37pm

I still visit my ex-girlfriend in jail :)

nvautier

12-Feb-03, 01:42pm

i dont keep anything,, already my room is a mess, i dont need more shit lying around especially is she has cheated on you.. its like wow theres a photo of a girl that cheated on me,, im gonna keep that one...:meh:

i would say it depends a lot on how you broke up,, if it was a nice break up, just keep a few stuff and if it was shit chuck everything out...

I know one of my female friends was going out with a guy who was leaving a huge portrait of her ex in his room... how stupid is that....the realtionship only lasted a week....

xxx
nico

Bushy

12-Feb-03, 01:54pm

If you have problems with your current partner keeping a few mementos and sentimental things (tho not in obsessive quantities) then you've likely got some trust issues.

People have pasts.. not everyone wants to forget their past, it's part of who you are! I want to remember all the good times i've had with people in my life.. If it brings a smile to your face why the f#$k not!

But then again... i've never been in love or in a relationship over a month so wtf would I know!!!

lush

12-Feb-03, 01:57pm

Your past and the relationships you've had are what has shaped you into the person you are now, and influence how you act in relationships now. If she likes who he is then she should accept the things that have led him to that. He looks back on his past with fondness- big deal!
Keeping some stuff is OK. Wishing you could still be with an ex is a different story.

nvautier

12-Feb-03, 02:04pm

Kazi

12-Feb-03, 02:10pm

I dont think there is anything wrong with keeping onto old stuff from the past....I dont think your friend should feel so insecure about it unless she feels he still has feelings for his ex.

Megs

12-Feb-03, 02:11pm

I think this is a pretty individual thing, personally I'm a chucker I just chuck everything (from old boyfs not friends and family etc) the best memories i don't need physical reminders of and the worst memories, well I also don't need physical reminders of them either and I'd be fairly upset (maybe stupidly so but hey who said emotions were rational?) if my boyf had a heap of stuff from old girlfriends.

Griggle

12-Feb-03, 02:11pm

Haha Bushy you posted almost exactly what I was going to.

Even the length of relationship bit. :lol:

PS It isn't stalking if they can't work out it's you doing the heavy breathing :)

nick as you're gonna be ditching that video now your gf knows, I'll keep it for you if it's a problem:|

nvautier

12-Feb-03, 02:17pm

Originally posted by Griggle

nick as you're gonna be ditching that video now your gf knows, I'll keep it for you if it's a problem:|

u wish mate...haha
i was just making a statement, i seirously dont have any of that kinda stuff at home, that would be seriously wrong.. i think anyways,,

sistamita

12-Feb-03, 03:34pm

Well, Obvious its unfair. If your partner has insecurities with you keeping your ex's stuff, both parties won't be happy in the relationship. Cuz either way, the one with the insecurity will always have this behind his/her head.
I think keeping frens/family stuff to reminise is fair. But when it comes to ex's, it's a sensitive issue.
How wud u feel if u r in the "insecured" position?
If the gal is cool with it, then it's fine. But if she's not, it will only jeopardise the relationship. Don't u think? Esp if the previous relationship was a serious one.

You want to live a future, not the past.

tim-e

12-Feb-03, 04:22pm

Past love? There are four and a half million people in Sydney and I run into an ex-girlfriend from Brisbane this afternoon :meh:

Atlantis

12-Feb-03, 05:31pm

Personally...

I threw all that junk out a little while ago, even the photos!

And when I did I felt really good about it, it was like I wasn't really letting go of everything until I threw it all out?! It was a weight off my shoulders, like none of it really mattered anyways. But that's just my way of dealing with things!

ADz_M

12-Feb-03, 05:47pm

Thanx for all you feedback. I will show her this thread and hopefully it will provide her with a resource to consider when approaching this situation in the future.

:)

oni0n

12-Feb-03, 06:34pm

JulesPLees

12-Feb-03, 07:23pm

MOVE ON.

Sabishii

12-Feb-03, 07:29pm

Love letters and such are private things, and as such should be only of concern to your friend's boyfriend. If you love and trust your partner and vice versa, they are ONLY REMNANTS OF THE PAST.

His current g/f hasnt been the only one to have feelings for him, and understanding/respecting past loves (and their communications) is just one part of the package you undertake in starting a rship.

Personally, if you have to make the decision:

If it brings back great memories - keep it.
If it makes you cringe - chuck it.
If it makes you want to destroy something beautiful - burn it.

pinkhelmet

13-Feb-03, 12:01am

i think its perfectly fine to keep past relationship memories, aslong as they are put away (if he brings them out sumtimes u mite question where his heads at), in the future it mite b nice to look back on his life and memories (im sure he still has fotos with her in them which he wont just throw out as the r/s broke up)
i have a love letter i got in year 8, its sooo cute and i have prob read it 2ice over the last 6 yrs, its not that i have feelinbgs for the guy its just nice to look back sumtimes.

ViRaL

13-Feb-03, 12:15am

Yea its definatly fine to keep memories from the past, just keep them hidden from new relationships, ie dont leave past love letters laying around your draws etc ... I still wear a ring from a past relationship, but only because I simply like the ring :) , I just dont show my new GF the engraving, or it might make her feel a bit strange :)

BlueSteel

13-Feb-03, 02:34am

Originally posted by Sabishii
Love letters and such are private things, and as such should be only of concern to your friend's boyfriend. If you love and trust your partner and vice versa, they are ONLY REMNANTS OF THE PAST.

His current g/f hasnt been the only one to have feelings for him, and understanding/respecting past loves (and their communications) is just one part of the package you undertake in starting a rship.

Personally, if you have to make the decision:

If it brings back great memories - keep it.
If it makes you cringe - chuck it.
If it makes you want to destroy something beautiful - burn it.

I agree. We all grow up and eventially end up with boyfriends or girlfriends. If we were to throw ALL memories of past ex's, we end up having no history for ourselves.

How many times you thought, "they are the one" and you went ahead and sacrificed something so dear to you for them, only to later break up a month down the track? We could literally shoot ourselves!

Of course we still have to respect our partners. I'd understand one getting upset if your still holding on your video tapes of your XXX sex romps with your ex's.

The bottom line is this: If you really have love, trust and respect for your partner, whatever choice you decided to make will be the right one.

hunter

13-Feb-03, 03:36am

god fuck no!

whats to reminisce about?

it goes to hell in a handbasket for a reason - why keep the baggage?

pe4s

d

Sabishii

13-Feb-03, 08:12pm

Then go and burn it and make a field day out of it. :)

littleblonde

13-Feb-03, 11:42pm

People have the right to hold on to whatever items they may find sentimental (letters, jewellery etc etc).

If your insecurities stop you seeing that they are merely looking back on memories, and not pining after lost love maybe you should find someone else to date.

Lambretta

14-Feb-03, 12:00am

Originally posted by lush
Your past and the relationships you've had are what has shaped you into the person you are now, and influence how you act in relationships now. If she likes who he is then she should accept the things that have led him to that. He looks back on his past with fondness- big deal!
Keeping some stuff is OK. Wishing you could still be with an ex is a different story.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

CAN I JUST SAY THAT I VOTED BEFORE I READ THE ORIGINAL POST AND I VOTED IN THE WRONG SECTION.

I thought it was about someone still harbouring feelings for someone and not being "over them", that is wrong.

However, there is nothing wrong with keeping old photos etc of past friends.

One of my best friends from the UK told me recently that his girlfriend had found some old photos he'd kpet from his teenage years of a girl he knew and she fucking tore them up. I mean I love her and she's a diamond girl and all that, but thats fucking wrong. Your memories shouldn't be thrown in the bin on the whim of some jealousy.