A few jokes to cheer all y'all tittays up.


I was at my Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a decent girl, one with morals and not the usual tarts you seem to attract and settle down"

It was at this point my girlfriend left the room in tears.


I asked my mates in the pub who they thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.


My mum hates it when I call my stepfather Bernie. He's pretty sensitive about the scars apparantly.


My girlfriend said it would be nice if I could maintain an erection.

So I've volunteered to clean pigeon shit from Nelson's Column.


"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.


Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.

Doesn't fill me with confidence.


Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.


I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!


The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here".

A time traveller walks into a bar.