Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Jax

I washed my kitten's arse last night.

*wipes tears* god thats funny.

I was in emergency after a car accident a few years back and because I'd rolled my car five times I was basically in the top level of emergency with all the worst emergency cases.

I was all hepped up on goofballs at the time (read dosed to the eyeballs on morphine) and there's people kicked the proverbial bucket left right and centre during my 16 hour stay.

At ome point an old geezah's brought into the cublicle next to mine. He had a greyness about him like the colour of the sky on the dreariest of winter days and the entire family began to rock up in dribs and drabs (the nurses are too busy to really keep an eye on separating the cubicles so I concluded from all this that he must have been dying for some time and just reached the end).

A couple of hours pass while the family bids it's farewells then the cubicle is tightly drawn around his bed.

The smell that followed was indescribably putrid. I can only imagine that as the poor old bastard passed away he probably shat himself one last time. The fetid rancid kind of crap that only an already slightly decomposing body could produce.

It lasted some time and I could vaguely make out the nurses next door tipping the bed up to scrape this fetid stench from underneath this poor old mans body and onto the floor so he could be cleaned up and given back his dignity.

I will never forget that smell as long as I live.

Beautiful morning isn't it.



k_x oxo

Oh krafty . That's making me wish I hadn't had my weetbix!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lissie

I went for a swim in the river after because I felt like I hot poo fragments all over me...

hahaha

I know someone that farted in their sleep, and it was that bad it woke them up and they gagged!

the stuff that you need to put in your hair when someone gets lice - an incredibly pungent chemical odour as if you had taken eggs that had been sitting in the sun for a week going off and then you added vinegar and put them in the microwave for two minutes on high.

Only a few weeks ago, i came home from a big night out .... and was siting in my car with a mate out infront of my house , just g'ing my self up to go inside ... we opened a few beers and smoked a few spliffs , and then because i was retarded i knocked 2 entire beers all over my dash and into my carpet ...

It was munt city that morning, so i went inside and crashed ... didnt clean it up ..

The car sat in the sun for 3 days , blaring hot sun, before i got in one morning to go to work ... I mean iv smelt stale beer and wet bar matts , but this was rank ... it smelt like ass or something ... i was completely unprepared , and hopped in , put the keys in the ignition , nostrils flared , i glanced around the car for a brief moment looking for a dead cat before diving back out on to the road ...
I went back inside and went to bed ... cleaned it up the next day and the car still smells like reheated assholes ...

Dont under estimate the stench of stale beer gone rancid ....

probably not the worst smell iv ever smelt , but up there ...

2 times for me:

1. I was about thirteen babysitting this child who had done poo poo in his nappy. Normally not very happy to have to change a nappy but given that he'd been really sick for a few days was even less happy. I opened his nappy and it was like being dumped in a sewer vat the smell was awful, raw untreated sewarge. It was so bad I nearly threw up, my eyes were watering and I couldn't ven walk in the room. I feel really bad because I couldn't go in I made his four year old cousin go in and gave him instruction from the door how to get rid of the nappy and made him take it off and put it in a plastic bag and put it outside in the bin.

2. During a general anaesthetic procedure on a mentally handicapped fourteen year old boy. His mouth was so disgusting not only the smell but the amount of gunk all over his mouth. I was dry retching through the whole first half off the procedure as we were working on my side it was awful. The whole theatre stunk of rotted food, bad breath and rotting flesh it was so gross. I don't know if anyone can relate but the smell of someones mouth with periodontal disease is right up there with one of the worst and this guy topped even that by a mile. Then when we were working on my bosses side he was dry retching as well it was that bad. I will never forget that smell even thinking about it makes my stomach turn now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss Jax

I washed my kitten's arse last night. He got fed some roo meat at the cattery (we were on holidays for 2 weeks) and that don't sit so well with his underdeveloped tummy.

The sloppy goo he's been shitting for the last 2 days was bad enough then it got worse last night - he's a ragdoll so has a very hairy butt and, yes, there were dangleberries. He sat on the bed and left a wet patch that only smelt when he lifted his bum off, so we stuck him in the bath. Cat poo is bad (think of a wave of heat, soaked in smell that slowly creeps towards you like a wave of destruction akin to something from Independance Day. Washing cat poo is ungodly. Magnify the smell by adding heat and water - even wearing rubber gloves I imagined the smell on my hands for the rest of the night. Gags ahoy!

reading this made me laugh out loud...

I would say it's a tie between:

1.Public "toilets" in rural China. The infamous "squat holes" picture this, a round hole leading down into some horrendous pit. Usually a rope or chain to hold on to while you squat above the hole. The smell of decomposing poo from years and years of use slowly rotting away.

2.A pet food abboitoir in Dandenong. I once worked at some shitty warehouse during school holidays. Next door was a pet food abbotoir, by lunchtime as the day heated up the smell would start to permeate. The smell was like a mix of shit, piss, rotting flesh and that unmistakeable smell of death. That smell would get in your hair on your clothes. I lasted two days before I quit.

p

Heres one that relates to the potato theme – I worked in a café a while back and the chick who ran it was going away and wanted me to run it for a week. Yep, happy to do it. Now, 2 weekends before she went away we had a busy weekend, so a fair bit of prep was made, some that she “forgot” to tell me about and thus, we didn’t use it. So, she’s away and I find this bucket of something. Its kinda mucous-y looking, has almost a shimmer look to it. And in the bottom of the clear bucket is mank. Don’t know how else to describe it. It sorta looked like something out of Jurrasic Park *shrugs*. Anyway, I pick up said bucket and the smell is released from the membrane on the top of the bucket. It’s a grey/brown liquid with a layer of dirty mank at the bottom. So I take it out the back of the café which is a grassy parking lot. And I think “hey, I’ll just tip it out here, just past the door, close to the tap”. Well, turns out that the mank was rotten potatoes in water and they are liquefied. OMG! Friggen stank like arse and filth and god only knows. Kinda smelt like that filthy thing that dogs get on their arses – blocked anal glads I think its called. So I am trying to run water over this skank and it is splashing up onto my pants and filthifying the air so bad, I dry retch and start to get tears in my eyes and I feel so ill and apparently I was really pale and sweaty after said incident. Because I put it near to the door, the smell kept wafting into the kitchen…OMG. So bad.

And just a quick list of rotten stink that I have had the pleasure of smelling –
-2 week old oysters that were collected and left in a hessian bag that were then “tipped” into bin = similar to raw sewerage
-Chest freezer complete with prawn heads, icecream, mince, chicken that had been pulled out and left to defrost accidentally. Became a mound of garbage soup.
-Blocked anal glands on a dog. F*ck Me.

When I was younger (about 13) it was my job to do the dishes after dinner every night. I hated them and would forever be looking for something to do to relieve the tediousness of washing the dishes from 6 people.

One night after a very nice dinner of some kind of roast meat, I don’t recall which, and potatoes that had been cooked in the electric frypan, the time came to do the dishes. If there is a pan that has food stuck to it, my mum will sometimes pour some water in it and turn the heat back on and boil the food off for ten minutes.

I decided to follow her procedure and my young mind came up with the idea of adding things into the water and making a kind of ‘stew’.

Well let me tell you, there was nothing in that kitchen that wasn’t added into the steaming pot including, but by no means limited to, table scraps, left over meat, vegetable peelings, milk, egg shells, tea leaves, soft drink, flour, sugar, enough herbs and spices to put Colonel Sanders to shame, bread, custard powder, rice, etc etc.

I put the lid on, turned it onto high and merrily went on doing the dishes for the next hour or so.

The time finally came to check my culinary masterpiece. With a smile of expectation I lifted the lid of the frypan and let the furiously escaping steam wash over my face. Then, eyes closed, I breathed in deeply.

My eyes sprang open in horror and my body reacted instantly and severly. I threw up all over the kitchen floor at the indefinable mephitis that assaulted my senses. I truly cant describe the exact odour that battered me that day. It was a combination of ingredients and chemical reactions that will never be duplicated… and thank god for that.

This is going back about 10 yrs ago, but i worked at hungry jacks. the crew use to play practical jokes on each other all the time. I once put pickle juice in another crew members coke 1 day, he then decided to put a piece of raw meat in my bag. i didnt realise that day that he did that and my next shift was the weekend after. the piece of meat sat in my bag for 7 days.

following week getting a lift to work my sister almost choked in the car. It was like that seinfeld episode we both had our heads out of the car but couldnt find where the smell was coming from, we checked our shoes and still couldnt find it . felt like the smell was following me everywhere that day. when i finished my shift i went back in my sisters car and that smell was still there, kinda like a dead rat, smothered in fish sauce, anyway got home and checked my bag again and couldnt find it, then my mum checked my bag and found this piece of meat wrapped in my pay slip, slimy bastards at hungry jacks.

then my mum preceded to hose that mother fucker down because i wasnt going near that thing.

They are all 'provocative' stenches but all < Anthony Sumbati after a week of working out on celebrity overhaul without a bidet

Righty O...

Back in my uni days we used to have a car rally at the college I was staying at. A few weeks before hand people would collect leftovers from the dining hall and store them up to throw at the other teams. In the second year I was there we decided to be well prepared so about 4 months before the car rally we collected up a few things including a bread bag full of footy franks (savs, whatever you want to call them) and locked them away.

The car rally went down well and we threw some smelly shit at a few other teams but at the final stop one of my mates found the savs which had been stuck in a plastic container and forgotten about. Luckily I was in a pub at the time but my mate opened the container and bag to find they had turned into grey mush. He grabbed a handful and threw it at two passing people from another team. I came out to see the two people who had been hit (who happened to be wearing only nappies at the time) on the ground vomitting and my friend who had the stuff on his hand dry retching. I smelt some on the ground when I ran past and it was the worst thing I have ever smelt by a mile. Indescribable.

One of the guys said that the shit was burning his skin and he spent an hour in the shower trying to scrub it off.

Its nice to reminice on the good old days.

becy

These stories are just wonderful! I'm laughing out loud at them all! Excellent contributions!

Quote:

Originally Posted by darklord_satan

becy

I've been waiting for one of these.

A few years ago my dad caught a lizard at work he put it in the glove box of his car and took it home to show my younger sister. After he had shown her he put it back in the glove box so he could later return it to it's home.

When he later opened the glove box the lizard had completely vanished, my dad assumed that somehow it had just escaped. He searched the entire car in hope to find it but gave up in the end.

A few days later he got in his car and turned on the air conditioning as it was an extremely hot day and to his suprise bits of chopped up lizard came spraying out of the air conditioning vent. The lizard must have somehow crawled its way in their. Anyway the car smelt terrible for weeks. We tried cleaning the car, installing air fresheners but nothing could get rid of this stench. In the end we got rid of the car.

Quote:

Originally Posted by becy

I've been waiting for one of these.

Yes, out of all the descriptions, that was by far the most graphic

lol the lizard. good christ! I had no idea we'd turn up such gold stories. keep em coming. iv'e got nothing to compare to these!

becy's milk

thread of the year!!

thankgod it's not a scratch and sniff

then there's 10 week old skanky manginas to deal with

B allbreaking
E ffervescent
C ataclysmic
Y east



I bet if you came back as a fetid stench that's the one you'd like to be babe.



k_x oxo

In Vietnam.

We were in the North, but away from the coast, and had been driving on some seriously badly maintained roads all day. The divots and potholes were so fucking big that they could have actually been braille for God. After about 3 hours of this, you tend to get pretty sick, or at least feel like someone has been spanking your ass with a steel paddle for the better part of a week. The unforgiving nature of my wooden seat had ensured that my arse resembled a ripe purple plum by the end of the day... but that's another story.

Back to the main bit: we had rounded yet another bump-filled peak, when our driver, whose grasp of the English language extended mainly to greetings, the names of various fast food chains and some excellent movie quotations ("Ruke, I am your father!" he screeched over the noise of the engine, his eyes returning to the road only once a large truck had nearly killed us all) - decided that we should take a break. He pulled over to the side of the road, into the dirt 'carpark' of what, unsurprisingly, turned out to be a gathering of people (seemlingly his relatives) attempting to sell us terrible 'souveniers' they had crafted from a mixture of natural materials and garbage from the roadside. How I longed for a machete. Clear the way!

Anyway, after refusing thweir advances with several poliite but firm "Please fuck off"s, I ambled into the bushes to relieve myself. I came across a horrible, horrible sight. Our driver had seemed to be immune to the bumpy ride, but it appeared that he was actually just a very, very good actor.

He squatted not two feet away from me, his pants around his ankles, and let fly with the most revolting avalanche of shit that I could ever have imagined. You could literally identify different food groups. Having turned around and fled towards the safety of the car (and my new friends who were still convinced that I needed a model of a tank made out of coke cans), I sat, unrelieved, in the carpark, wondering what else could go wrong.

After a long while, our driver returned, and announced that he was ready to continue. I was given the dubious honour of riding in the front seat with him, and it was only when he pulled out that I noticed a peculiar smell. It was a mixture of shit and piss and raw sewage that could only have been brewed in the kitchen of satan himself. Still feeling a bit ill, I looked around, and in horror, realised that our driver had obviously targeted himself with some "freindly fire", with about 1/4 of his lunch and breakfast now residing on the back of his legs.

The stench was indescribable. I have never felt more abandoned by god than those hellish 30 minutes. Our driver consistently refused my requests to pull over, saying that the highway we were now on (thankfully less bumpy) was a no-stopping zine, that the shoulder was too small, that we jad to make up for the time we had lost earlier... this continued until it seemed the driver smelled it, and decided to pull over.

Thankfully, when we got back into the car, our trusty driver had seemingly washed the solid chunks from his pants and shoes, but the smell remained. Finally, after another 2 hour drive, we arrived back at our hotel. I went straight upstairs, locked myself in my room, turned out the light and cried myself to sleep.

I think I can safely say that most soldiers from 'Nam have less mental scarring that what I endured. Every time I go to sleep, the smell of that brown waterfall of excrement sears my nasal hairs and plays with my gag reflex.

The horror, the horror...

i think you needn't have said anything beyond your first line 'in vietnam'.

My ex was in the army and had been out on course for a few weeks and I had to get something out of his car that had been sitting in the sun for this time.....

I opened the car door to the worst smell I have ever smelt it was soo bad that I projectile spewed all over the ground..

He had left a container in there with milk in it ohh the smell was sooooooo bad!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by darklord_satan

i think you needn't have said anything beyond your first line 'in vietnam'.

True, but I had to make it evocative.

I swear, I just vomited a little bit just typing that all out.

krafty

omg bornslippy i'm totally pissing myself laughing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by becy

omg bornslippy i'm totally pissing myself laughing.

If you are, make sure you aim away from your pants.

I don't know how many of you out there in ITM land, has had experiences on the farm "out back styling". Anyways there are things that go on out there, other then the obvious inbreeds and sheep banging.

Every Year thousands of Sheep have new lambs " nothing to do with the banging, all to do with that meat we all love to eat". But sadly not all these babies or sheep make it past their first few days, weeks or months.

IF you are a nice clean and health concuss farmer. You would realize that rotting lambs/sheep lying around is not the best for the health of your live stock. So you clean up.

Now to the point of my story. There are a few ways to get ride of this decaying meat. You can burn it "roast lamb style". You can feed it to pigs "very questionable"? Or you can put in down the "Offal Pit".

Never again in my life do I think I'll ever smell something as vile as this The Offal Pit". There has been nothing that has come close to this smell! As you lift of the heavy concert lid in mid spring heat. Not only will you gag at the first whiff of it. But it is strong enough to leave you with the night mare of forever falling into the decaying mass.

I wish this upon no one....

Ummm this one is quite easy

Last week I was sitting on a train heading into the city.
We stopped at paramatta and this tiny little indian dude comes sprinting down the stairs as fast as he could so he wouldn't miss the train.
Anyways what does he do? He gets on and sits down next to me

He must have just had Indian for dinner because he was coughing,panting and burping from all the running and the smell of the tandourie or poo jab curry what ever the hell you want to call it was DISGUSTING like totally overwhelming.

I had to put up with his stench for like half an hour and trust me extra chewing gum does fuck all.
I offered him some and I can tell you it made things worse

My story....

Went to do my banking couple of weeks ago... as soon as the doors opened, my poor nostrills almost stuck together... The first thing that came in to my head was calling an ambulance, because I thought that somebody definately passed away in that fkn bank...

I proceed with my banking... and walked past the table where people fill out their deposit slipts and so on... An interesting creature was filling out one of those forms.... I don't know how long he spent next to that table.... but there were barely no people in that bank during lunch break....

The story gets worse... All the tellers were busy with people who could barely stand because of that horrible smell... I had to stop and wait... and guess fkn what??? The guy, who from my point of view had a bath full of shit... started moving in my direction....

I never thought that one person could poison the smell of the whole bank!! I had to leave the banking for the other day... and miss the lunch...

seriously this is the best thread ever and i would like to thank becy for starting it. never laughed so much from one thread in my life.
peace out ppl

Quote:

Originally Posted by bornslippy1984

In Vietnam.

We were in the North, but away from the coast, and had been driving on some seriously badly maintained roads all day. The divots and potholes were so fucking big that they could have actually been braille for God. After about 3 hours of this, you tend to get pretty sick, or at least feel like someone has been spanking your ass with a steel paddle for the better part of a week. The unforgiving nature of my wooden seat had ensured that my arse resembled a ripe purple plum by the end of the day... but that's another story.

Back to the main bit: we had rounded yet another bump-filled peak, when our driver, whose grasp of the English language extended mainly to greetings, the names of various fast food chains and some excellent movie quotations ("Ruke, I am your father!" he screeched over the noise of the engine, his eyes returning to the road only once a large truck had nearly killed us all) - decided that we should take a break. He pulled over to the side of the road, into the dirt 'carpark' of what, unsurprisingly, turned out to be a gathering of people (seemlingly his relatives) attempting to sell us terrible 'souveniers' they had crafted from a mixture of natural materials and garbage from the roadside. How I longed for a machete. Clear the way!

Anyway, after refusing thweir advances with several poliite but firm "Please fuck off"s, I ambled into the bushes to relieve myself. I came across a horrible, horrible sight. Our driver had seemed to be immune to the bumpy ride, but it appeared that he was actually just a very, very good actor.

He squatted not two feet away from me, his pants around his ankles, and let fly with the most revolting avalanche of shit that I could ever have imagined. You could literally identify different food groups. Having turned around and fled towards the safety of the car (and my new friends who were still convinced that I needed a model of a tank made out of coke cans), I sat, unrelieved, in the carpark, wondering what else could go wrong.

After a long while, our driver returned, and announced that he was ready to continue. I was given the dubious honour of riding in the front seat with him, and it was only when he pulled out that I noticed a peculiar smell. It was a mixture of shit and piss and raw sewage that could only have been brewed in the kitchen of satan himself. Still feeling a bit ill, I looked around, and in horror, realised that our driver had obviously targeted himself with some "freindly fire", with about 1/4 of his lunch and breakfast now residing on the back of his legs.

The stench was indescribable. I have never felt more abandoned by god than those hellish 30 minutes. Our driver consistently refused my requests to pull over, saying that the highway we were now on (thankfully less bumpy) was a no-stopping zine, that the shoulder was too small, that we jad to make up for the time we had lost earlier... this continued until it seemed the driver smelled it, and decided to pull over.

Thankfully, when we got back into the car, our trusty driver had seemingly washed the solid chunks from his pants and shoes, but the smell remained. Finally, after another 2 hour drive, we arrived back at our hotel. I went straight upstairs, locked myself in my room, turned out the light and cried myself to sleep.

I think I can safely say that most soldiers from 'Nam have less mental scarring that what I endured. Every time I go to sleep, the smell of that brown waterfall of excrement sears my nasal hairs and plays with my gag reflex.

The horror, the horror...

A late addition:

Later in the trip, we were in Hanoi, relaxing on the balcony of a small but comfortable restaraunt. I had ordered a soup and a chicken dish and was looking forward to both of them.

The soup came out, and I flinched. It looked exaclty like our driver's expulsion, right down to vegetable content.

I didn't eat for the rest of the night.

i used to work for a couple of funeral parlours a few years ago. my job was to transfer the deceased to the morgue from the hospital/home/retirement village, etc etc that they had passed away in.

death has a certain smell to it. it's not hideously offensive, but it's not exactly nice. a kind of sweet, warm smell. also, when you die, your muscles relax completely before rigor mortis sets in, so cadavers "purge" shortly after death. this is a polite way of saying they totally poo themselves.

anyway - even that is bearable compared to my friend "mister stinky".

this poor fellow had been out for a walk when he suffered from a heart attack and died immediately. he fell into a stream in the park he was walking in, and was not found for another two weeks. suffice to say he was a little "soupy" when found.

i had to transfer the body bag of this poor man's remains from the coroner's to the funeral home - on my own.

i cannot even begin to describe the godawful, clinging, thick STENCH that this man exuded. i used to drive a specially-modified van to do transfers, but unfortunately this meant that there was no real ventilation aside from the two front windows.

i drove back to the morgue with half a jar of vaseline smeared under and in my nostrils, with both windows wide open, and my head literally hanging out of the window. oh - did i meantion that the vans are not refridgerated, and that it was a 30 degree day...?

i will never forget that smell. and that was only one of a couple of not-so-nice transfers... i could tell you about poor "mister diabetic coma" who died and also wasn't discovered for a few weeks, and when my partner and i were called in to transfer him, we discovered he was literally covered in huge, weeping, pus oozing blisters that popped as soon as we tried to move him....


i still can't drive past that house without shuddering....

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmontyc

seriously this is the best thread ever and i would like to thank becy for starting it. never laughed so much from one thread in my life.
peace out ppl

I couldnt agree more. You are entirely welcome even though all i did was give the merest nudge - the true thanks goes out to the contributors. Awesome awesome work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bornslippy1984

A late addition:

Later in the trip, we were in Hanoi, relaxing on the balcony of a small but comfortable restaraunt. I had ordered a soup and a chicken dish and was looking forward to both of them.

The soup came out, and I flinched. It looked exaclty like our driver's expulsion, right down to vegetable content.

I didn't eat for the rest of the night.

That story was awesome
Can't wait for Vietnam in Feb. I will be sure to pack some laxatives so I can join in the fun.....get down with the locals so to speak!

According to your friend, lissie, perhaps all you need are a fair few jols down your gullet for when the mailtrain gets stuck between stations.

ok.. i need to make another addition. this however probably doesn't fall in the "whats the worst smell ever" but more along the lines of "whats the worst taste ever, that goes hand in hand with the worst smell ever"...

when my son was all of 3 months or so old, i decided it would be a good idea to the old traditional act of holding said baby in the air and throwing him up in the air and catching again. just a little, like, you know babies love that shit, it bring a smile to their face and makes them giggle. and as a parent the joy of seeing your baby laugh brings a wide open grin to my face. similar to this ---->

that is until upon the 5th or 6th throw in the air your baby vomits right in your face with your mouth wide open.
the panic that sets in cause you have a mouth full of vomit, and you dont want to drop your baby is horrific.
baby vomit tastes and smells like stale milk, left in the sun for a week. in case you wanna try it

Quote:

Originally Posted by becy

According to your friend, lissie, perhaps all you need are a fair few jols down your gullet for when the mailtrain gets stuck between stations.

OMFG Rebecca....that's my Christmas right there....

We know how to make christmas come early don't we

Mailtrain

so spesh... did you spit or swallow?

great thread

Our toilet that got blocked this morning

oh the horror

:'(

Quote:

Originally Posted by becy

so spesh... did you spit or swallow?

Real show-offs gargle.