Misnomer:
1. A misapplied or inappropriate name or designation.
2. An error in naming a person or thing.

Murder:
To spoil or mar by bad performance, representation, pronunciation, etc.: The tenor murdered the aria.

I feel it’s important that I preface this review with a story to illustrate my belief that listening to music is a very personal experience, and therefore any review written about the music is merely one person’s opinion.

Just over a year ago I heard a wonderful song, a song of such beauty that I felt that I had been missing out on something. It’s a rare occurrence that I am so completely and utterly taken by a track, but it does happen and when it does it’s a joyous thing to experience. The song was Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode, and the remix was by Lexicon Avenue. It was this experience that prompted me to review the *Depeche Mode Greatest Hits CD in December. While reviewing the album it struck me just how many Depeche Mode songs would surely have been remixed into some amazing dance music, especially if the Lexicon Avenue rework was anything to go by.

So when this remix CD came up for review, wild horses couldn’t prevent me from getting my hands on it; after all, I was finally going to own that Lexicon Avenue remix of Enjoy the Silence, and I was going to experience remixes of other songs that had also impressed me. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I discovered that, for reasons still unknown, the compilation didn’t contain the Lexicon Avenue remix (in my opinion, Depeche Mode’s BEST song), in fact it didn’t contain a single version of that song by anyone! So far this was a ‘Best Of’ compilation that was missing the band’s best song! OK, if that amazing song didn’t make the short list, then surely the other tracks on here must be of such a high quality that I was still to be blown away? Oh dear, how wrong…

The track listing contains eight tracks from a back catalogue that must be immense. A measly eight tracks, including three versions of Personal Jesus, and two mixes of Everything Counts. So really, from eight tracks, only five individual tracks are represented. “All right, enough with the negativity”; what’s required now is some positive thinking and an open mind. After all, this is a ‘Best Of’ compilation.

Things start off in a promising manner. The Boys Noize rework of Personal Jesus is an absolute gem. It’s definitely an improvement on the original, giving it a grittier, fuller sound that is perfect for the dance floor. The use of the vocals is impressive and you get the impression that the artist has truly understood the original piece of music; identifying what is good about it and how to improve on it. So far, so good…

On my first listen to the Digitalism remix of Never Let Me Down Again, the passengers in my car begged for me to change the CD immediately. Truth be told, I too was frightened and confused and my finger hit the eject button in record time. If Marilyn Manson decided to do a cover version of a Depeche Mode song this would be the result. It’s an awfully awkward, raucous, rollicking, noisy mess and, quite frankly, it’s growing on me with every listen! The remix artist has obviously decided to throw caution to the wind and create something that confronts the listener, and I applaud the risk-taking inherent in doing that. It may not slip easily into a dance music set, in fact I’m not entirely sure if it actually IS dance music, but it has a touch of the naughty about it and I like naughty!

The first of the Everything Counts remixes is the Oliver Huntemann & Stephan Bodzin Dub, which is modern-sounding tech-progressive. The opening segment is a fairly boring beat, which segues into an annoying bleep section. But just as the bleeping is beginning to drive you to distraction things get a little more interesting with growling bass sounds giving life to an otherwise utterly dull song. The vocals are faded into the track, but they seem to be an afterthought more than anything else. Whilst they don’t detract massively from the overall feel of the track, they certainly don’t add anything either. This track does have a sixty-second section where I actually find myself feeling quite positive towards it, and then without warning things go awry again. This might not be the worst track on this compilation by a long shot, but it’s certainly not a track that I have a burning desire to listen to again.

If awards were being handed out for the worst use of vocals in a Depeche Mode remix, then the Underground Resistance version of People Are People would be far ahead of the competition. In fact, this song itself is such utter folly I’m amazed that a) it was made, b) someone liked it enough to not throw it in the bin and c) someone would be so insensitive as to add it to a compilation with the word ‘Best’ in the title. Some of the music is actually very good, and the remixer has a definite feel for what makes music enjoyable to dance to. It’s just a shame that vocally they are as clueless as a man with no clues standing alone in an eternal vacuum of clueless-ness shouting, “can anyone explain what a clue is?”

Do you despise anyone? Has someone ever wronged you in a way that make your skin crawl? Do you long for revenge? Do you wish to inflict pain upon them in such a cruel manner that they will be mentally scarred for life? If the answer to these questions is yes, then look no further because Troy Pierce has the solution. His version of Everything Counts is so mind-numbingly dull and annoying that future generations of torturers will exclaim “who needs the Chinese Water torture when we have this at our disposal?” I’ll try and use words to describe the remix though; dribble, bleep, dribble, bleep, mumble, dribble, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, dribble, mumble, bleep. Inspiring isn’t it? You have been warned.

At this point in the proceedings another version of Personal Jesus is exactly what I don’t need, and yet here I sit listening to it. Rather than have me repeat what I’ve already written, just substitute Everything Counts for Personal Jesus in the preceding paragraph and you’ve got this track in a nutshell. Why oh why didn’t they stop at one version of this song? It’s a mystery to me, and the sooner I get the sound of this utter drivel out of my head the better. Hopefully ‘The Sinner In Me’ by Ricardo Villalobos is the ticket?

Then again, maybe not. The song starts with 3 minutes of someone tapping the maracas, or some similar-sounding wooden instrument. If I thought that some of the previous songs had been dull, then I hadn’t reckoned on twelve, YES twelve minutes, of someone tapping the on wood. The remixer has at least made fairly reasonable use of Dave Gahan’s voice – reasonable in comparison to his use of maracas – but even now, after seven attempts to listen to the track all the way to the end, I must admit defeat and skip to the final song on the disc, a Timo Maas re working of Personal Jesus. I pray, give me the strength to get through this!

The real shame is that the Timo Maas mix of Personal Jesus isn’t actually that bad. In fact, in this company it’s one of the absolute standouts. It’s a track that rolls along and has you tapping your foot and nodding your head in appreciation. The fact that it’s buried at the end of such utter rubbish is criminal.

Talking of criminal, that leads me nicely back to the dictionary definitions I included at the beginning of this review. “Murder”, by the definition above, is exactly what someone has committed on this compilation. The potential in Depeche Mode’s music for highly enjoyable dance music is almost endless. Instead we are served an offering of such mediocrity that I find it hard to convey my utter contempt for it. It certainly isn’t a ‘Best Of’ compilation. So there you have it, my friends – murder followed by a complete misnomer.