With a metallic foldout cover that looks like David Bowie designed it for Pink Floyd and an inner sleeve selling something that’s about as modern as you can get (ring tones for your mobile, you can’t bloody escape em!), I hoped to the dance music gods that the three-CD set would deliver a musical selection as shiny as the cover. Ministry of Sound’s massive three-disc Clubber’s Guide to 2009 made my good or bad decision relatively easy. Since there’s so much damn music ,there’s a promising chance you’re going to like a decent percentage of it! However, the tracks en-masse also makes it difficult to capture each disc properly. So I’m going to do it in the only way I think appropriate: awards format. In contention are Gold Coast golden boys Stafford Brothers; Captains of the Capital The Aston Shuffle; and Sydney City Slicker Bass Kleph. Let the games begin…

Don’t be deceived by its place as number one in the set, Stafford Brothers bring up the rear in third place in the ‘Clubbers Guide Sheepstations Cup’. Though it’s nothing to be ashamed about, as their well-formulated selection of happy house and electro tunes is bubblegum fun. Stafford Brothers start on a vocal note with the Ocelot remix of The Killers’ Human; one of those tunes that makes for embarrassing diva situations at the traffic lights. This is followed by many tunes that have no doubt inspired many drunken 18-year olds in nightclubs across the country to scream, “I love this song!” We’re talking Empire of the Sun, Tommy Trash and Roger Sanchez. It plays like a bigger, more experienced brother to the Wild compilations… It’s just that the other two discs scored higher in the ‘Crank the Tunes’ category of my judging.

The Aston Shuffle and Bass Kleph tie for what’s either an honourable (yet still disappointing, mum) second place, or an all-out sweet tasting win, depending on whether you take a half empty/half full outlook. Both DJ/producers ahve the sort of refined tastew that guarantees tracks that will both fill the floor, and make the dance music aficionados nod in respect, plus their mixing prowess had this judge reaching for the volume dial – destination ‘up’.

So what do you do when given control of one of the country’s most popular dance music compilation? Bass Kleph and The Aston Shuffle make the most of their appointments. Of course, you include at least four of your own tracks and/or remixes. As if you wouldn’t. You also throw as many current tracks of your own taste as possible in amongst the Ministry’s must-include tunes. Both DJ/producers backed their own experience and musical preference, as they should, and came up with a crowd-pleasing win. Over the course of discs two and three you’ll find the full range of electro and house styles, from breezy to bangin’, with remixes of MGMT, Santogold, The Presets and Benny Benassi along with originals from Frew, Proxy, Tonka and the deep, vibrating electro sound of Tiga.

So what wins the award for ‘best’ and ‘worst’ tracks on the sprawling three-disc compilation? We’ll let you guess which of these So You Think You Can Dance contestant turned pop-star Rhys picks up with Hot Summer, snuck tightly into the middle so no one will ever know. Meanwhile, Bass Kleph’s remix of Infusion’s Dog Town takes pride of place, kicking off the final disc in fist pumping style.

So there you go. Ministry of Sound’s Clubber’s Guide to 2009 expectedly covers the latest season of body movers, arm raisers and feet shufflers. It’s patriotically filled with Australian artists and the music is pleasingly ranged from harmless fun to downright dirty. The stress of not knowing what to crank up in the car on your weekend, or fill the air with at your Sunday BBQ is over – you now have a guide to do it all for you!

Check out the sprawling tracklisting…

Disc 2 Mixed by Stafford Brothers
1. The Killers – Human (Ocelot Remix)
2. Vandalism – Hablando (Club Mix)
3. Gadjo – It’s Alright (Gold Ryan & Tapesh Tropical Heat Remix)
4. Empire Of The Sun – We Are The People (Sam La More Remix)
5. Lovers Electric – Could This Be (Sam La More Remix)
6. John Dahlbäck feat. Basto! – Out There (Original mix)
7. Chili Hifly feat. Jonas – I Go Crazy (Tommy Trash Remix)
8. Tommy Trash feat. Mr Wilson – Need Me To Stay (Original mix)
9. Those Usual Suspects – Shadows (Inpetto Remix)
10. Stafford Brothers vs Hoxton Whores feat. Frank Stafford – Wherever (Original mix)
11. David Guetta, Steve Angello, Joachim Garraud, Sébastian Ingrosso, Chris Willis – Everytime We Touch (Extended Mix)
12. Golden Girls – Kinetic (ATFC Remix)
13. Michael Woods feat. Inaya Day – Natural High (Full Vocal Mix)
14. Jaimy & Kenny D. – Keep On Touchin’ Me (Funkerman Remix)
15. Christian Falk & Robyn – Dream On (Tiger Stripes Remix)
16. Stafford Brothers and Oliver Lang feat. Towera – I’m Feeling (Dabruck & Klein Remix)
17. Bodyrox & Luciana feat. Nick Clow – Brave New World (Original mix)
18. Roger Sanchez feat. Terri B – Bang That Box (Laidback Luke Remix)

Disc 2 Mixed by The Aston Shuffle
1. The Aston Shuffle feat. Danimal Kingdom – Do You Want More (Original mix)
2. The Presets – Yipiyo-Ay (Original mix)
3. Kaiser Chiefs – Never Miss A Beat (Cut Copy Remix)
4. P – Money feat. Vince Harder – Everything (Magik Johnson Vocal Mix)
5. Pryda – Rakfunk (Original mix)
6. Santogold – Say A-Ha (Tom Neville’s 24 Carat Vocal Remix)
7. A-Trak – Say Whoa (None) [Mobile]
8. The Kills – Cheap And Cheerful (Fake Blood Remix)
9. Rhys – Hot Summer (The Aston Shuffle Remix)
10. Crystal Castles – Crimewave (Crystal Castles vs. Health – Sinden Remix)
11. Tiga – Mind Dimension 2 (Original mix)
12. Late Of The Pier – Bathroom Gurgle (Tronik Youth Mix)
13. Proxy – Raven (Original mix)
14. Bunny Lake – Into The Future (The Aston Shuffle Mix)
15. Yuksek – Deladeu 2 (Original mix)
16. MGMT – Kids (Soulwax Mix)
17. The Aston Shuffle – Stomp Yo Shoes (The Bloody Beetroots Vocal Edit)
18. Pin Me Down – Cryptic (Phones Mix)
19. Bag Raiders – Turbo Love (Tough Love Edition)
20. Redroche – Give U More (Redroche Re-Edit)

Disc 3 Mixed by Bass Kleph
1. Infusion – Dogtown (Bass Kleph’s Steamed Up Remix)
2. fRew – Deep Love (Original mix)
3. Bass Kleph & Stellar – $pend My Money (Bass Kleph’s Club Mix)
4. Passenger 10 – Mirage (EDX’s 5un5hine Remix)
5. JJ Flores & Steve Smooth feat. Colette – Stay (John Dahlbäck Remix)
6. Enur – Calabria (Kurd Maverick Remix)
7. Damian Wilson feat. Ann Bailey – (Can You) Take Me Away (D.O.N.S vs DBN Cr2 Vocal Mix)
8. Delicious & Abigail Bailey – Bounce (Original mix)
9. Style Of Eye feat. Stephen Simmonds – Galore (Original mix)
10. Dahlbäck, Diaz & Young Rebels feat. Terri B! – Can’t Slow Down (Morphine) (Francesco Diaz & Young Rebels Vocal Mix)
11. Ben Colin – Doov (Bass Kleph’s Extra Bass Edit)
12. Chris Lake – Mission (Original mix)
13. DJ Wady & Patrick M – Hulk (Wady & Patrick M & Chus Vocal Edit)
14. Tonka – Freeze (Original mix)
15. Avicii – Sound Of Now (Original mix)
16. Benny Benassi feat. Channing – Come Fly Away (Soha & Adam K Remix)
17. Craig Obey feat. Lady Lauryn – Tha Musik Tha Magik (Thompson & Jirgenson Remix)

And watch the trailer while you’re at it…