My oh my! This is a test isn’t it? It’s not a serious album, it’s a cleverly camouflaged quiz game of ‘disengage your CDS (cheddar-detection-system)’ and ‘guess the magic tune’. The prize? Well, I can only imagine that The Mighty Judge is secretly searching, Willy Wonka style, for a worthy contender to inherit Judge Jules’ splendiferous Glo-T-Shirt Empire.

The (un)willing recipient could be my chum, who was the first to drop me Gotta Be Heard, the opening track off Bring the Noise, playing it alongside Deadmau5’s Faxing Berlin. Go on, try this one at home! They are THE SAME. Jules has simply added an excruciatingly earnest vocal track, and a minuscule twist to the chord progression. That’s it. Everything else is identical down to the whooshy effects (technical term!).

There will be the loyal Judge Jules adherents of olde who insist that Deadmau5 was the cheese robber in this picture… but listen on friends. Jump forward to Diversion, and tell me that if Deadmau5 remixed Tiesto remixing Rob Dougan’s Clubbed to Death, then ran it through a ‘fromage filter’, this is not what you’d be listening to.

I know I know, Judge Jules has a massive back catalogue of cred, a solid 20 years in the scene and a BBC Radio1 profile as tastemaker and supporter of new talent, and that’s absolutely not be sniffed at. He runs mega successful club nights, and is a deeply respected DJ in his own right. But… this album! What’s going ON? Maybe, just maybe, too many projects in too few waking hours are forcing him to spread himself a little too thin.

There is quite seriously a track on this album titled Trainwreck, featuring an oh-so-very literal incessant, repetitive bassline and jarring ‘train whistle’ effect. He’s taking the piss, surely. Still not convinced? OK, throw on Electronic Snare, lay back and close your eyes. Slink through the Propellorheads-esque bassline (think Take California) and that bit that somehow reminds you of the Chemical Brothers’ Hey Boy Hey Girl and get up to the bit where the Flamenco rhythms and snare-drum orchestra kick in. Can you not almost taste the sawdust, and greasepaint… and see the gymnasts in sequined leotards shimmying down ropes swirling hula-hoops. Or is it just me?

Before my closing statement I’d like to call City Rockers to the witness stand. It all starts off so well, cute Eurotrancy stuff… then… we are subjected to the tackiest compressed-to-the-gizzards 90210 electric guitar solo ever, backed up by a crazy little Eastern European folk-song keyboard tune. I promise you that I only have to say ‘David Copperfield’ once, and you will never, never hear this track again without simultaneously thinking of disappearing rabbits and laughing your guts up.

In all, I laughed until I cried with this album. There were a few tracks I enjoyed. Guide You and Could be Love made me smile in a good way, despite how ill I was generally feeling. I am that shallow. But overall, the tackometer completely wigged out. Judge Jules has given the world of trance so much over 20 years. To mention the Glo-T-Shirt Empire at this point devalues the absolute solidness of his reputation as a DJ, A&R developer and yes, as a producer. So in deference to his outstanding contribution to the scene, I recommend that we strike Bring The Noise from his record completely and pretend it never happened.

Here’s what we’ll be deleting…

1. Gotta Be Heard
2. Guide You (with Si Paul)
3. Train Wreck
4. You Know What
5. Diversion (Corderoy Edit)
6. Electronic Snare
7. Master Breaker
8. City Rockers (Marcus Twiddle Edit)
9. Could Be Love (with Headstrong)
10. Judgement Theme#
11. Laid Bare
12. The Skip 09

#Not even Armin has his own theme!!

“Blessed are the Cheesemakers, for they shall inherit the Earth” – Judges 3:16 (Terry Gilliam remix)